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1: If whatever we post fails to motivate you beyond some "We Must!" or "We Need To!" proclamation, could you please put that post on your own page? We don't have a special pipeline to Congress. If it's just oh–too–much of a "hassle" to write a letter to a politician, just keep "fighting evil on Facebook" on your own page. You know, the one with all the important stuff on it.

2: If you want to tell the world what you'd do "if I only had 5 minutes alone with that [fill in the blank with the predator or wrongdoer of your choice]" or spam your ".45 caliber solutions," here's how: Just SHARE the post you're trying to hijack, and add your own trenchant comments. Then all your friends will know of your courageous stand against all the evil in this world.

3: If you absolutely must proclaim your to desire to kill–maim–torture, rant elsewhere. If you get off on rhapsodizing about castration, "slow death," public lashings (or hangings), or what all the righteous convicts would do if perp was sent to "gen pop," do it on your own page. FB is the most powerful purveyor of fantasy porn on the planet, but it bores the hell out of anyone who doesn't share (whatever) fetish.

4: If you have some overpowering need to post some little cutesy–poo "quip," post to your page instead of here. Then all your friends will see how very droll and clever you are. No need to tell us—we already know.

5: Don't tell us to "Just Google it" as if you proved something. Just "Google it" yourself—then you can post your discovery ... on your own page.

6: If you're "Just sayin'" say it somewhere else. If you're "Just curious," ask someone else. Anyone else.

7: We have no cure for Last Word Syndrome, nor interest in pursuing one. It is not "censorship" to ignore/block individuals who indulge themselves in robotic, repeated posts on same subject, never confused by logic or facts. It is not "censorship" because some Facebook Warrior says it is. Each individual has his/her own page, and none are barred from pontificating, issuing proclamations, or just venting to their ego's content. Can't do it here, so "unfriend" or "unlike" or whatever else works for you, and tell your friends how you valiantly battled "censorship."

8: If you cannot live without "PM" communication, rest assured you're in the wrong place. You'll get a robo–response explaining how you can make actual contact. Shrieking "Why did you friend me if you aren't going to CHAT?!?" won't change this result. "Pokes" are turned off for our pages, so please don't be insulted when we don't "Poke back." If you want to surrender your privacy to Holy FB, King of the Data–Miners, that is your choice. It is not ours.

9: If you believe "So sad" is a contribution, that some lame FB "smiley" or ambiguous Emoji is a "communication," or that "A wise man once said" posters enlighten anyone, rest assured we don't share your opinions. So share them elsewhere, okay?

10: DSM 289.99 Compulsion to Post: A degenerative disorder, essentially a subset of narcissism/IQ–impairment, characterized by a self–perpetuating delusion that fame will be achieved by repetitive revelation of antisocial conduct. The mirror to this is commenting upon, "analyzing," or publicly denouncing such conduct in the belief that one's opinion is eagerly sought by the same non–existent "audience." Distinguish from Folie à Deux as this delusional mindset is antithetical to actual closeness to others.

11: The LOL syndrome. A pervasive, quasi-religious belief that placing "LOL" at the end of a posted statement cancels any inherent stupidity of said statement and/or exonerates the speaker from responsibility for making it.

✔ If you don't "like" — that FB Holy Grail, relentlessly pursued by advertisers and self–promoters everywhere — these respectful suggestions, try this one instead: Just "unfriend" us and go away—the bandwidth you save could be your own.


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